Linens 'N Things: A Cautionary Tale

Funny name for a store, eh? You might have passed this place or even visited it a few times and wondered what they meant by "Things." A thousand different kinds of toothbrush holders, perhaps, or maybe they're referring to the things that hold the linens?

Incorrect, they mean fleas. FLEAS.

This past Monday I decided to treat myself to a nice new set of sheets. The dark purple ones that were on my bed seemed to highlight lint, making them look dirty even when they were newly washed. And so sponsored by my new tax refund, I stopped by Linens 'N Things and splurged on a luxurious Ralph Lauren set of white bedding accented with tiny pink roses that would complement my duvet cover nicely. On the package it read "pre-washed for premium softness" or some bullshit like that so I slipped them on my mattress right away and prepared for a fairy princess night.

Never do that.

Oh the sleep was glorious, don't get me wrong--like floating in a bed of flowers on a warm spring night--but the next day I woke up with a full-body itch. My elbows itched, the backs of my thighs, nape of my neck, small of my back. Everywhere that's hard to reach seemed to explode in prickliness and I thought I might squirm to death. Still, I did not make the connection between the sheets and my present misery. I assumed that I must have put too much detergent in my last wash or that maybe the hour I spent in sitting in the grass last week had finally caught up with me.

It wasn't until I was back at home last night that I remembered the "premium" sheets. Panicked and thoroughly skeeved, I ripped the blankets off my bed. There, disguised as lighter white-sheet lint, were little grey specks perhaps invigorated by the feast of blood the night before, hopping around in unison. I have never showered so vigorously or for so long in my life, and still I scratch. I'm writing this post in between scratching and re-applying lotion.

ALWAYS WASH YOUR SHEETS. And try not to shop at Linens 'N Things.

i took the GRE yesterday.

i've been sitting here for an hour on intravenous merlot in celebration of my freedom from the formidable "test-prep," feeling a little nervous about grad school and a little impatient about the process of becoming useful to the world. all of a sudden the fact that i'm applying to ph.d programs has become very real and arduous--so i, too, am trying to make sure that it's what i really want.

also like jules, i mostly know for sure that i want to help people in a way that is both brilliant and heavy with meaning. when i took a class by professor elam at stanford i was overwhelmed with how important i thought she was, not in the way of tenure or number of articles published per year, but in some timeless way. i would listen to her speak and think, if only i could talk for hours with such insight... if only i could shift people's frame of reference with each class, expand their understanding to be more inclusive, more loving, more daring in its neutrality. at retirement, i want know that i changed some minds.

have the rest of you had such existential doubts? maybe it's the wine, but i keep asking myself clichéd questions like: is it actually possible to affect a world of a problem? can i be an academic and a revolutionary, navigate university politics without losing my radicalism, be both in progress and in control, or even more superficially, can i even live in a state that has snow storms eight months out of twelve? i could just as easily see myself as a contemporary fiction writer or a graphic designer or an editor, and none of those things require GRE scores or recommendations from people i don't respect. what am i doing in this field? what is it that i'm working toward?

i think i'm working toward science. hot, distilled, balls-to-the-wall science. if a woman can write an entire washington post article about why women are actually the dumber sex and be able to support her ridiculous claims with scientific evidence, then someone dropped the ball somewhere and it probably wasn't a woman. literature and art are just as important, but when making laws and taking names people in power look to fact, or what has been accepted as fact. i really do believe that it is by resculpting the fact that i can change some things.

this post has turned into a statement of purpose; i should just copy and paste.

that said, i've also finalized my list of schools. it includes a number of programs that offer either joint ph.d programs in women's studies and clinical psychology, or just social psychology, and a few exceptional clinical-only programs with interesting opportunities for alternative research. i will keep you updated on my endeavors to keep it real.

Another update

Contrary to the evidence, I am not trying to take over this blog. I just keep changing my mind and keep wanting to tell you all about it. So, everyone should know that I am in fact going to law school after a lengthy conversation with my sister and her cousin that revealed that it would really be the most effective way for me to make change. I haven't paid my seat deposit yet, but I will next week and then it will be totally official. I am going to American (they have the best loan forgiveness program) and am actually really excited about it. I will probably be moving in early August and starting school two days before my birthday (happy birthday self). Christina and Ingrid will be my roommates, and I'll have drinks and dinner with Pat as often as possible. And Lauren will only be 6 hours away. It's a good plan.

I'm not sure where I'll take the bar. But that is a whole other big decision years away.

Miss you all!