i took the GRE yesterday.

i've been sitting here for an hour on intravenous merlot in celebration of my freedom from the formidable "test-prep," feeling a little nervous about grad school and a little impatient about the process of becoming useful to the world. all of a sudden the fact that i'm applying to ph.d programs has become very real and arduous--so i, too, am trying to make sure that it's what i really want.

also like jules, i mostly know for sure that i want to help people in a way that is both brilliant and heavy with meaning. when i took a class by professor elam at stanford i was overwhelmed with how important i thought she was, not in the way of tenure or number of articles published per year, but in some timeless way. i would listen to her speak and think, if only i could talk for hours with such insight... if only i could shift people's frame of reference with each class, expand their understanding to be more inclusive, more loving, more daring in its neutrality. at retirement, i want know that i changed some minds.

have the rest of you had such existential doubts? maybe it's the wine, but i keep asking myself clichéd questions like: is it actually possible to affect a world of a problem? can i be an academic and a revolutionary, navigate university politics without losing my radicalism, be both in progress and in control, or even more superficially, can i even live in a state that has snow storms eight months out of twelve? i could just as easily see myself as a contemporary fiction writer or a graphic designer or an editor, and none of those things require GRE scores or recommendations from people i don't respect. what am i doing in this field? what is it that i'm working toward?

i think i'm working toward science. hot, distilled, balls-to-the-wall science. if a woman can write an entire washington post article about why women are actually the dumber sex and be able to support her ridiculous claims with scientific evidence, then someone dropped the ball somewhere and it probably wasn't a woman. literature and art are just as important, but when making laws and taking names people in power look to fact, or what has been accepted as fact. i really do believe that it is by resculpting the fact that i can change some things.

this post has turned into a statement of purpose; i should just copy and paste.

that said, i've also finalized my list of schools. it includes a number of programs that offer either joint ph.d programs in women's studies and clinical psychology, or just social psychology, and a few exceptional clinical-only programs with interesting opportunities for alternative research. i will keep you updated on my endeavors to keep it real.