Linens 'N Things: A Cautionary Tale

Funny name for a store, eh? You might have passed this place or even visited it a few times and wondered what they meant by "Things." A thousand different kinds of toothbrush holders, perhaps, or maybe they're referring to the things that hold the linens?

Incorrect, they mean fleas. FLEAS.

This past Monday I decided to treat myself to a nice new set of sheets. The dark purple ones that were on my bed seemed to highlight lint, making them look dirty even when they were newly washed. And so sponsored by my new tax refund, I stopped by Linens 'N Things and splurged on a luxurious Ralph Lauren set of white bedding accented with tiny pink roses that would complement my duvet cover nicely. On the package it read "pre-washed for premium softness" or some bullshit like that so I slipped them on my mattress right away and prepared for a fairy princess night.

Never do that.

Oh the sleep was glorious, don't get me wrong--like floating in a bed of flowers on a warm spring night--but the next day I woke up with a full-body itch. My elbows itched, the backs of my thighs, nape of my neck, small of my back. Everywhere that's hard to reach seemed to explode in prickliness and I thought I might squirm to death. Still, I did not make the connection between the sheets and my present misery. I assumed that I must have put too much detergent in my last wash or that maybe the hour I spent in sitting in the grass last week had finally caught up with me.

It wasn't until I was back at home last night that I remembered the "premium" sheets. Panicked and thoroughly skeeved, I ripped the blankets off my bed. There, disguised as lighter white-sheet lint, were little grey specks perhaps invigorated by the feast of blood the night before, hopping around in unison. I have never showered so vigorously or for so long in my life, and still I scratch. I'm writing this post in between scratching and re-applying lotion.

ALWAYS WASH YOUR SHEETS. And try not to shop at Linens 'N Things.