"we love to see you smile."

today i felt that warm feeling you get when you know that you've made an excellent impression on someone. i'’d almost forgotten how that feels, living in this city where no one understands what i'’m trying to say to impress them.

i was walking down shoenhauser allee, shopping by myself, when i decided to stop by mcdonald's (oh! the horror!) to get a quick burger because i'm lazy. i didn't feeling riding the subway all the way back to the center to cook and i had to pee like a russian racehorse. when i reached the front of the line i'd been concentrating so hard on trying to say my order in perfect german that i hadn'’t noticed the cashier'’s friendly greeting. embarrassed at my lack of manners toward a guy who has the same job as my mother and therefore probably gets a million unfriendly german versions of the consumer asshole a day, i smiled the biggest, warmest smile i've given all week and beamed "“royal hamburger mit kaese, bitte"” to show that i'm not like the rest of them. as if to say, in america we do it right.

he was attractive enough to not be pathetically affected by a girl smiling at him, but he was obviously taken aback by having so much non-glaring eye contact and positive emotion come his way in germany in the winter. when i returned from the restroom to get my burger he told me he'’d bring it to my table, and once again i was so smug about having understood him that i walked off and didn't notice him talking to his friends about me behind that little shoot that they slide your burger down. when he came with my food i said "danke shoen" and he responded, "“thank you for smiling."

it made me both happy and sad at the same time. happy, because it feels good to have made someone's day by impressing upon them that they deserve a smile from a random American girl, and to be seen as the sort of person kind enough to lend that smile. it didn't have to be romantic or sexual, and in this case it was neither; in fact, that would have cheapened the exchange. it was only important that he knew that i didn'’t see him as just another face, or an inferior one at that, and that he accepted the gesture generously. sad, maybe, because i think that'’s all i'’ve been wanting from berlin, which can be racist and distant outside of the Stanford group: a friendly face that looks at me with more recognition than it would a purple, polka-dotted elephant amid a circus of purple, polka-dotted elephants.